I suppose I can’t blame her, since I seem to need her to repeat her interest in being friends in every letter, he thinks for the thousandth time that afternoon. He got home almost 3 hours ago, and even though he sat down immediately with his poetry journal, he hasn’t written a word. The reply he gave Andi isn’t sitting well. Every five seconds his mind returns to Zoe and that letter, wondering if he should have said this or that thing instead. If only I knew the magic words she wants to hear! he thinks, before mentally stopping himself.
Seriously, what is wrong with you? he thinks, You haven’t obsessed over a girl this much since… since… Suddenly everything clicks. The conversation with Eddie on Christmas Eve. The desperate need to help Zoe even though he’s never met her. The need for constant reassurance that she’s not just pretending.
“Aw, Hell,” he swears loudly.
“Language!” Rachel calls from the kitchen. Alex ignores her, frozen to the spot, his mind flicking through every letter he’s sent her, trying to figure out if she could possibly have figured this out before he did. And then a worse thought occurs to him. What if she really does decide not to write again? He knew when he wrote it, or at least he thought he did, that it wasn’t a real possibility, that he was just being petty because his feelings were hurt, but what if, by suggesting it, he made her think he wanted her to…
He leaves that thought unfinished because losing her letters would be unbearable and if it was his fault… he doesn’t dare finish that thought either.
He glances quickly at his watch. It’s only been three hours since he got home, there’s a good chance she hasn’t picked it up yet. He bounds upstairs to grab his jacket, taking them two at a time.
“I’m going out, Rach!” he whisper-yells on his way back down, trying not to wake up Elisabeth. Rachel is standing in the door to the kitchen, a concerned look on her face.
“Where are you going? Is everything okay?”
“Just to Cuppa Joes,” he replies, ignoring her second question. He gives her a quick hug and then rushes out to his car.
“Okay,” she calls after him, “Be safe!”
“Yeah!” he acknowledges, but his mind is already on his destination. He has to get that letter back.
january-14-later