It’s been a few days since Alex had enough time to swing by Cuppa Joe’s and pick up a letter. He feels a little bad about it, actually. Zoe is dealing with a lot lately, and he probably didn’t help much in his last letter, even though he was trying. So, when he walks in on Saturday morning, he comes prepared with paper, envelope, and everything he needs to turn this letter around quickly.
Andi’s working this morning, and Alex breathes a small sigh of relief. Every time he’s seen Eddie since Christmas Eve, Eddie seems to almost leer at him, or asks him “So how’s Zoe?” even though Eddie has seen her more recently than he has. It makes Alex extremely uncomfortable, and he’s pretty sure Eddie knows it.
Andi, on the other hand, is perfectly happy to simply hand him his letters with a smile and his order. Today she even adds “Have a nice day!” He nods and smiles at her in return, and then quickly reads his clue.
He’s glad he’s brought his car with him, because she sends him over to the tea shop in the mall. Since he already has a cappuccino in hand he walks around a few times to finish it up. There’s not a whole lot to look at in the stores, not that he’s interested in, but the people watching is fun. Finally he downs the last sips of his drink and makes a bee-line for the tea-shop. Picking up the chai and her letter is almost easier than at Cuppa Joe’s – the woman behind the counter doesn’t know him, and hasn’t gotten so invested in his friendship with Zoe that she feels the need to ask how it’s going. He just thanks her for the tea, tips her generously even though Zoe probably did when she ordered it, and goes and finds a seat in the food court to read.
Zoe’s latest letter is a roller coaster. She starts out wishing him a Merry Unbirthday in her clue, and then goes straight for the most depressing part of her life; sitting in the hospice center with Lissa. He wishes he could be there with her, and pauses for a moment before continuing to read, because it’s an odd thought to have. He shakes his head slowly to clear it – It’s just wanting to cheer up a friend, that’s all.
Then she accuses him of not trusting her, and he gets a sour feeling in the back of his mouth – everything about what she wrote feels wrong to him. Maybe it’s the fact that her tone gets more and more formal, or the way she lashes out at him (okay, them) and then immediately turns around and says she understands, but everything about this letter just rubs him the wrong way.
Finally he can’t take it anymore, so he digs around in his backpack for a pen and some paper. He’s mad, so what comes out is a little vindictive:
Okay, hang on, that is totally unfair. I don’t have my letters in front of me, but I am 99.9% sure that every time, Every. Single. Time! I brought up my concerns about the situation with Lissa, I prefaced it by saying that it’s your life, and you need to do what’s best for you. I pointed out that I understood why you’re doing it, even though it’s not what I would have done. I do trust you, Zoe, and I think that you’re just projecting – you expect people not to trust you, and so no matter what they say otherwise, according to you, they don’t. And that isn’t. Fair!
And let’s not forget, I decided not to have that conversation with you in my most recent letter. I chose to not rehash it, because I believe, as you point out in your letter, that there is nothing further to say on the matter and rehashing it would only hurt you which is the absolute last thing I wanted. And yet, no matter what I said, or avoided saying, I did hurt you, somehow. Can I not be concerned about someone I care about without it all going to shit? I said nothing to provoke this tirade! But you’re exploding at me anyway, because that’s easy, because I am the most expendable of the people in your life, and if you can get me out of your life, then your enemies go from four to three. If your parents didn’t trust you, they would be forbidding this relationship, or some such nonsense.
If your parents didn’t trust you, they wouldn’t let you write letters to a total stranger… who is in the middle of being an asshole, so you’re probably going to stop writing to him anyway…
He trails off in the middle of the sentence. The ellipses are an affectation, mostly because as he writes these last few sentences he’s still angry enough to consider sending this. He recognizes that he’s kind of being an asshole about it, but after the hurtful things she said, he feels almost justified.
But as he re-reads what he wrote, the heat of his anger leeches out of him. No matter how justified he feels, he can’t send this. He’s still upset, and she still needs to know that, but she doesn’t need to see anything he wrote out of blind anger. He sets that sheet of paper aside and pulls out another to try again, carefully keeping himself calm, and trying to remind himself that she didn’t mean to hurt him, that this doesn’t necessarily mean she’s ready to be done being friends. The annoying subconscious voice keeps nagging at him, though, telling him that he’d be better off pushing her away, since she’s obviously trying to distance herself.
Finally, when he can’t ignore that stupid little voice anymore, he turns back to the original letter he wrote. Really, it isn’t that bad. If he cuts a few lines, tones it down a little, it should be safe enough to send. He adds an explanation of why he worded it so strongly, and reminds her, maybe sounding a little more annoyed than he should, of the support he gave back when Lissa showed up. And he can’t help but end it by passively asking her to reassure him that they’re still friends, though after a moment he thinks better of it and crosses it out. Before he can second guess the decision, he seals the letter in an envelope and heads back out to his car to give it back to Andi.
january-14