Kevin isn’t usually the type to make an ass of himself, but apparently when he does, he believes in going big or going home.
Valentine’s Day started like any other Tuesday. He went to school. He chatted with his classmates about the most inconsequential of things. He had his weekly conversation with the guidance counselor about how he was holding up. He left school after sixth period and went straight to the HCC, sitting with his unresponsive grandfather for two hours until Zoe showed up.
He did spend some time thinking about what it might be like to have something to actually celebrate on Valentine’s Day, but in what version of the world did he have time? He hadn’t given romance more than a passing thought in almost three years. It was hard enough dating in high school when you hadn’t officially come out as gay. But when you also had to take care of an ailing grandparent? Forget it.
So Valentine’s Day isn’t anything out of the ordinary, until Zoe pulls out her planner, reads something, and says, “Oh, shoot,” excusing herself from the waiting room, phone to her ear.
She comes back a minute or so later. “Everything okay?” Kevin asks.
“Yeah,” she says, brushing the comment off. “I forgot my Chem book at school. A friend’s bringing it out to me, though.”
“Wow,” Kevin says with a whistle. “You have a friend willing to drive all the way out here to bring you a textbook? Where can I get one of those?” She grins.
“I don’t know,” she teases. “You’d have to be charming and friendly, and I don’t know if you can pull that off.”
“No, you’re right,” he agrees. “I have never been called any of those things. I do not have a charismatic bone in my body.”
“I have certainly never wanted to spend any more time with you than I had to.”
Kevin laughs. God, he’s missed this. Having someone he can talk to and joke with and be himself around. He’d had a best friend like this, freshman year. Mark. Mark was the first person besides his grandparents that Kevin had come out to. Mark hadn’t taken it well. And then Gran had died, and everything kind of just built a wall between Kevin and every peer in his life. And now, here’s Zoe, beautiful, compassionate, accepting Zoe. A Godsend. A blessing, a lone bright spot in the ongoing shitshow that is his current life.
He can’t help but notice, though, that something is a little off on Valentine’s Day. Zoe seems a little anxious, a little on edge. Like an idiot, he dismisses it. He knows something happened with her penpal and that she’s been worrying about that. So he just assumes that’s all that’s bugging her.
He actually has homework for once, so he and Zoe fall into their usual companionable silence as he works through some physics problems. After about twenty minutes, Zoe says, “Hey!” in greeting to someone, and Kevin finishes writing his equation and looks up.
Standing in front of their table, smiling at Zoe, is the most beautiful guy Kevin’s ever set eyes on. He’s tall and broad-shouldered, with gorgeous chocolate brown skin. He looks a little bit like a young John Boyega, and Kevin can’t quite remember his own name.
And then Zoe is saying something and Gorgeous Boy’s attention is turning to him and in addition to not being able to remember his name, Kevin now also can’t remember how to breathe.
Zoe says Gorgeous Boy’s name is Gabe, and Kevin belatedly remembers the rules of polite society, and stands so quickly he almost tips his chair over backward. “I — Kevin, I’m Kevin, I — hi,” he babbles, sticking his hand out in front of him. Gorgeous Boy raises both eyebrows, looking down at Kevin’s extended hand and back up to his face. Kevin closes his eyes, his cheeks burning. Smooth, Larson, he berates himself. Really, really well done. Way to make an impression. Oh, and out yourself to a complete stranger, too, can’t forget that. Good job, friend.
And then everything he’s feeling gets ten times worse when he hears Zoe say, in a voice that’s not her own, “Um, I have to go check on Lissa,” and opens his eyes to see her making a hasty retreat toward the parking lot. Immediately, everything clicks into place. All the teasing, the flirting, her nerves today—
“Fuck,” he whispers, dismay flooding him. Zoe’s developed feelings for him. And somehow, he completely missed it. He’s spent a month flirting with her, and now he’s gone and made an ass of himself in front of her male best friend, like the class act he is. He might as well have punched her in the stomach. How did he not see this happening?
“Yeah,” Gabe says, drawing out the word. “Not your finest moment, friend.” And with a pat on Kevin’s arm, he turns and follows Zoe, leaving Kevin behind in the waiting room, fighting the urge to hit something.
“Fuck,” he says again, and takes one long moment to mentally berate himself for being the world’s biggest, most oblivious, insensitive idiot. Then he follows Zoe and Gabe at a run.
He explodes out into the parking lot in time to hear Gabe say, “You needed your Chem book, I brought it to you, you introduced me to a very nice gay boy, and now we’re talking in a parking lot. What’s to say?”
He can’t hear all of what Zoe says in reply, but he catches, “…thought I had it right for once! I swear he was flirting, Gabe!” and it kills him to see Zoe looking so upset, knowing it’s his fault. And there’s part of him that definitely feels like he doesn’t have the right to go try and explain himself, when he’s been oblivious enough to let this happen in the first place. But he also can’t let her beat herself up over what is entirely his fault.
“Zoe,” he calls, and she immediately tries to clear the evidence of her emotions and put on a good face.
“Kevin! Sorry for– I just had to–”
“No, I’m sorry,” he says, wanting to take her hands but figuring that might make everything worse. “I am so sorry, Zoe, I should never have let things get this far, I should have been straight with you with from the beginning.”
“Actually, I think being straight with her is what got you into trouble, there, lover boy,” Gabe interjects. Kevin glances over at him, not sure if he should be irritated, chastised, or amused. Probably some of all three, though the amusement is gonna be a few days coming.
“Thanks for the support, Gabe,” Zoe says with something like a smile. “But I’ve actually got this.”
“Right!” Gabe says brightly. “Then I’m just gonna go stand over here away from this conversation.” And he leaves them alone.
“Really, Zo,” he stresses, but she shakes her head.
“No, it’s my fault,” she says, almost sounding like her normal self. But he knows her well enough by now to know that it’s a cover. “I misread things. It’s okay.”
“No,” he says, running a hand through his hair. “You didn’t, okay? You didn’t misread. I have been flirting with you. I flirt with every girl my aunt sees me with. I hate it, but I have to.” He knows the exact moment she understands.
“She doesn’t know,” Zoe says slowly, finally finally sounding like her actual self. “And she’d kick you out?”
“I don’t even know if she’d let me pack, or if she’d burn all my stuff to cleanse the gay from her house.” He tries not to let the bitterness in, but it’s impossible not to. “So I flirt. I try to keep it harmless, to avoid . . . God, this exact thing. But I got so caught up in — in having someone I could actually talk to–Zoe, if I was straight, I’d be totally into you.” She blushes and looks away, and he thinks maybe she can’t stand to look at him, and maybe he shouldn’t have said it, but he needs her to know what she means to him, even if that means uttering the worst, most cliche unrequited crush statement in the world. “I think you’re amazing, you’re one of the most amazing people I know, and I’m know how lucky I am to have you in my life right now. I’m so sorry I took advantage of that, and that I put you in this situation, I just–”
“Kevin!”
He almost curses again, but if Aunt Ruth hears it, there will be hell to pay later. So instead he schools his face into the closest thing to a calm, composed, respectful mask that he can, and turns to face his aunt.
“Aunt Ruth,” he starts to say, but she doesn’t let him start.
“You are supposed to be here with your grandfather,” she says, her voice clipped.. “Not hanging out with your friends. If you have time to be out here, you have time to be at home, finishing any number of chores you keep leaving undone.” It’s all he can do to keep his mouth shut and his ire buried as she says, “I give you a lot of leeway, Kevin–”
It’s humiliating that she’s doing this to him here, in front of Zoe, and on top of that he’s sick with fear that she’ll actually do what she’s threatening, actually keep him from Gramps’s side, and he just wants it to stop—
“So, what’s the verdict?”
Gabe’s voice cuts through his aunt’s tirade, but Kevin doesn’t let his confusion show. His aunt has been stunned into speechlessness by the interruption, and Kevin takes advantage of it to cut his eyes toward Gabe, trying to figure out if it’s somehow possible that this guy he met five minutes ago, who has seen him be nothing but an ass, is actually trying to help him.
“Tell me it’s good news, man,” Gabe says. “I can’t afford another huge mechanic bill on this hunk of junk.” He aims a kick at the tire of the car right beside them, and . . . yeah, okay. Depending on how long Aunt Ruth has been here, it’s possible Kevin was looking at the car and giving Zoe some less than stellar news. He can work with that.
“I mean, your tire pressure is a little low,” he says, after giving the car a quick look with a practiced eye. “But you’d be flat already if it was something serious. You might have a slow leak, it’s hard to tell. Even if you did ding something, though, you should be fine to get home if you have a spare.”
“Except I’ve never changed a tire before in my life,” Gabe says with a little laugh.
“I have,” Zoe interjects, and just bless her for coming to his rescue, too. “I was just telling Kevin. We’ll manage if we need to. I told you that you were driving too close to the curb.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Gabe directs at Zoe before turning back to Kevin. “Well, thanks, man, for coming out and checking for me. I really appreciate it,” Gabe says, and he sounds completely sincere. Then he tacks on, “Real Christian thing to do,” and Kevin has to marvel at him inwardly, wondering how he pegged Aunt Ruth so damn quickly and on so little information.
She can hardly continue berating him in the face of such praise for his Christian behavior, so instead, she steers him back inside with a sniff of disapproval. He knows she knows something isn’t adding up, so he doesn’t even glance back at Zoe or Gabe.
He’s lost in his head the rest of the afternoon, thinking of everything different he should have said or done. Wondering how he can fix this. Hoping desperately that it’s even possible. Praying that Zoe really is okay.
Aunt Ruth’s phone rings, and when she leaves the room to answer it, Kevin catches sight of Gabe standing in front of the vending machines. He doesn’t know why he’s still here, or where Zoe is, but he knows he has only a few minutes before Aunt Ruth is back. That’s not enough time to make everything right with Zoe, but it is enough time to settle with Gabe. Before he can second guess himself, he slips from the room and into the tiny, out-of-the way corridor.
“Hey,” he says to get Gabe’s attention. He takes a deep breath when Gabe’s eyes meet his. “I, uh, I want to thank you.” God, he hopes he doesn’t sound as awkward as he feels. “You didn’t have to help me out back there, and I really appreciate it.”
Gabe fixes Kevin with a shrewd gaze. Kevin feels decidedly . . . measured. Weighed. Exposed. He tries not to think about it.
“Your aunt is a gem,” Gabe finally says, and it’s so not what Kevin is expecting that it startles a laugh out of him.
“Yeah,” he says. “She’s a real treat.”
The corner of Gabe’s mouth quirks up, but then he frowns. “You live with her?” Kevin doesn’t trust himself to answer, so he settles for a tight nod. “That sucks. I’m sorry you have to deal with that. Sticking up for you seemed like the least I could do. See, I’m one of the lucky ones. My parents and family have never been anything but supportive and accepting — well, except for that one homophobic uncle we all have. Or, aunt, in your case, I guess.”
Oh, and he’s gay, too, Kevin thinks. Wonderful. I am in so much trouble.
“So I feel an obligation to do what I can, when I can,” Gabe continues. Kevin nods, feeling oddly disappointed that Gabe’s assistance was more of a general ‘doing good in the world’ thing than helping him specifically.
Stop that, he scolds the twinge of feelings. Crushing on Zoe’s best friend after everything would be, like, the height of bad form, Larson. Knock it off.
“Well,” he says awkwardly. “I appreciate it.” The silence stretches between them for a second or two, then Kevin asks, “Where’s Zoe? I want to make sure she’s okay, unless another conversation with me is the last thing she needs right now.”
“She’s in with Lissa.”
Kevin sighs and rubs his forehead. “Okay,” he says. “I probably won’t see her before she leaves, then. Thanks.” And he turns to leave.
“She’s gonna be fine.” Kevin stops and slowly turns back to Gabe. “She’s embarrassed more than anything else, I think. But she’s gonna bounce back.”
The words are everything he needs to hear, and he’s inclined to trust them because Gabe does not seem like the kind of guy to lie about that. But Kevin still asks, “Are you sure?” and Gabe looks amused.
“Believe me, if I wasn’t, you and I would be having a different conversation right now.” Kevin almost laughs at that.
“Yeah, I get that vibe from you,” he says, and almost feels like his normal self.
“Not that Zoe isn’t fully capable of standing up for herself,” Gabe stresses. “Because she is. But she shouldn’t always have to.”
“Just as long as I’m not the reason she has to stand up for herself,” Kevin says quietly, and maybe he’s imagining it, but the comment almost seems to win something like approval from Gabe.
“You’re not,” Gabes assures him. “You’ve actually been good for her, I think. Having someone here that she can talk to. I think that’s made all the difference these past few weeks.”
“Funny, I was going to say the same thing about her,” Kevin says. He’s aiming for a light-hearted quip, but he’s not sure he makes it, because Gabe is frowning ever so slightly, looking concerned.
“Look, man, I’m not prying into your life, but . . .” For the first time since Kevin’s met him, Gabe looks hesitant. Then he pushes through and continues the thought. “Do you have anyone? In addition to Zoe, I mean. Anyone close you can talk to about things?”
The question catches Kevin off guard. And it is being caught off guard that leads him to be perhaps a bit more honest than he should be.
“You mean like a family member?” he asks, and there’s no keeping the bitterness out of his voice this time. “Yeah, I have one. He’s in that room over there and he’s been in a coma for eleven weeks.”
It’s hitting him all at once, the fucking unfairness of everything, and this is why he keeps his emotions locked behind a smile and a joke. Because when he doesn’t, he ends up coming perilously close to tears in front of a complete, very attractive stranger, a very attractive stranger who is now moving toward him with an outstretched hand, and that is — nope. Nope, not going down that road.
“I’m fine, I’m fine,” he asserts, stepping back, away from that outstretched hand. Gabe doesn’t look convinced, but he drops his hand. “I need to get back before my aunt, so I have to — but thank you, really, for earlier, outside, that’s what I wanted to say.” He takes a few steps toward the room before doubling back because he needs that to not be the last impression he leaves.
Gabe looks up at his reappearance, expectant, waiting, and Kevin realizes he probably should have planned this a little better because all he can think to say is, “By the way, your tire pressure actually is a little low, so you might want to check that.”
Gabe laughs and says, “Wasn’t my car, dude.”
Kevin blinks and bites back a sigh. So much for leaving a better impression. “Well, of course it wasn’t, because that would be an unbelievable coincidence. Okay, well, whoever’s car that is, their tire pressure is low, so I’m just throwing that out there into the world.”
He makes a hasty retreat back into his grandfather’s room, Gabe’s amusement following him all the way. He pulls out his work and his phone and sticks his earbuds in, hoping to drown out his muddled thoughts about what Gabe must think of him and what Zoe must think of him and how he’s going to fix this. He’ll have to focus on it eventually, but for now, he’d like to try and forget how much of an idiot he’s been today. He can only hope he hasn’t ruined anything for good.